We won’t know they’re there, but their effects will be obvious. The existence and influence of old wounds will often be out of our awareness. When there is chronic fighting in a relationship, it’s likely that old wounds are feeding the battle. How do I know that an old wound is at play? In the same way that with deliberate effort and practice we can expand our physical capabilities, we can also extend well past the self-enforced limits of our emotional edges. In fact, by providing an opportunity for self-reflection, learning and experimentation, past hurts can be the gateway to stronger relationships – but this does take effort, a willingness to explore and the courage to experiment with a different way of being. It’s how we deal with this that will determine the power our history has to keep hurting us. Few of us reach adulthood without having had our hearts broken, our ideas about love questioned and our spirits bruised. Of course, not all wounds come from childhood. They can also affect people on a physiological level – the way they hold themselves physically, the way they move, their nervous system, and their brain.
They can shape the expectations people have of themselves and others, and what they think they deserve. They can affect the way people see the world, themselves and their relationships. The deepest wounds often come from childhood. You might feel the love, deeply and purely, put it just can’t get through the way it needs to. It isn’t a bad thing – we all have it and we all need it – but the tougher and tighter the armour, the harder it is to connect, feel loved, and give love.
Here’s the dilemma – let go of the armour and risk being hurt, but don’t let go of the armour and the relationship you deserve will struggle to find you.Īrmour is the protective wrap we put around ourselves to stop the things that have hurt us before from ever hurting us again. The walls need to fall and the armour needs to soften. It’s beautiful, but it’s not easy, because this type connection requires openness and vulnerability. They can disrupt a connection, prevent a connection from reaching take-off, or slowly pull at a relationship until it’s gasping for air. Everyone is capable of having a connection that is loving and life-giving – a relationship that allows each person to be completely seen, stripped back to bare, pretences gone, flaws and vulnerabilities on full show. Old wounds have many ways of stealing into relationships.
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